I have a confession to make.

If you’re my friend on social media platforms, and you’re single, and you’re one of those lovely vague posters (now subtweeter) I’ve probably creeped through your comments and replies. I only do it under the following circumstances:

I think you like someone, or I suspect someone else likes you, and the two of you have an interaction.

Whether it’s for show research purposes – watching two human beings flirt with one another, or whether it’s out of sheer voyeuristic delight, I love to see how my friends and acquaintances interact with one another.

It will start with a vague post: one of those vague-booking or sub-tweeting dealios where someone says something akin to, “I hate when it’s a beautiful day and I’m alone with nothing to do.”

When I see these posts, I get ready – there’s about to be an onslaught of “Likes,” comments, and rapid-fire messaging unloaded by the equally alone. Some will be timid and only Like or Favorite the post. Now, these Likers could have a twitchy click finger and be the types to like almost anything: photos of your cat, the fan page for RC Cola, a tip from your coworker about traffic on I-40 being at a stand-still…again…for the third time this week on a Wednesday. But some of them are silently saying, “Hey, I’d spend time with you – only I won’t say this to you in words. Your passive-aggressive attempts to make plans won’t be enough to draw me out of my shell.”

Then there are the Return-vaguers, who reply with an, “I hate that, too,” or a “I was thinking the same thing.” Some of these commenters probably just want to commiserate, but the Return-vaguer is actually one-upping the poster on their vagueness. Translated, they’re saying: You said you want to do a thing – instead of suggesting a thing, I’m going to say I ALSO want to do a thing in the hopes that YOU take the risk of asking me to go do that thing.

Then, there are the fast commenters. These are the deal-sealers who comment or direct-message with something like, “I’ve got tickets to an outdoor show and would love take you with me.” Even if they get rejected, they’ve put themselves ahead of those who passively Like, Favorite, or even Return-vague. Often, these people end up spending the day with someone any possibly having a great time, while all the timid Likers and Return-vaguers stay in and wonder why their tactics aren’t working. I see this on my social media feeds multiple times a week, and I am entertained.

So, yeah, this is a weird thing that I do. I find personal interactions fascinating, and if I know you, it just makes it better. Thanks!

“I’m peeking at you, bitches.”