Table-Flip Tuesday: Andrew’s “Do-Not-Be’s”

such rage, much fury

such rage, much fury

I thought I’d take a break from the four-page-long thesis-style format I’ve established for “Table-Flip Tuesdays” up to this point; instead, what I have for you lovely geeks, this go-round, is a list I have compiled, which I just decided to start referring to as my “Do-Not-Be’s”.

Spoiler alert: this is a list of traits, characteristics, and just plain people I feel you, well, should not be. Why? Because these traits, characteristics, and just plain people irritate the crap out of me. (Hence the “Table-Flip Tuesday” outlet.)

Pay close attention. Take note, if needs be. And, above all else, if you find that you happen to be one of these things listed below: Don’t.

[Note: For sake of consistency, “that guy who…” will be in reference to everybody and anybody. It’s not sexist exclusion; even if you’re a female who fits one of these points, you’re still “that guy who…”]

DO NOT BE…

… that guy who says “Can I ask you a question?”

… that guy who fast-forwards/skips the opening title sequence of Doctor Who.

… that guy who thinks I’ll be impressed by the figurines of nearly-nude versions of female superheroes you have, lining the walls of your house.

… that guy who hums/whistles along to a song in your head, while another song is playing over public speakers, at the same time.

… that guy who comments on my Vines, but never likes them.

… that guy who pronounces it “heighdth”.

… that guy who uses the “shave-and-a-haircut” cadence when knocking on a stranger’s door.

… that guy whose Twitter profile is set to automatically follow another user, based on a recent like, only to unfollow said other user until the next time said other user likes another post.

… that guy who’s the opposite of Batman.

… that guy who was okay with the Dexter series finale.

… that guy who intends to heat dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets in the oven, only to get drunk after putting said dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets in said oven and then pass out, leaving it up to your roommate to come home to a smoke-hazed house, finding the culprit being said dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets, which have now become dinosaur-shaped charcoal briquettes.

… that guy who vapes for the sole purpose of being able to say “I’m not smoking” when told the vapors are bother those around you.

… that guy who sticks out your tongue while using the dog-face SnapChat filter, even though it clearly instructs you to “Open Your Mouth”.

… that guy who constantly asks for favors and punctuates the query by saying, “No pressure.”

… that guy who holds up pedestrian traffic, just so you can practice your “jump-shot”.

… that guy who says, “I guess that means it’s free!” (followed, in most cases, by inane guffawing)

… that guy who goes to pick up someone from their place of apartmental residence and, instead of parking in an actual parking spot, sits in the thoroughfare, blocking the vehicles of the neighbors of said someone you are picking up from their place of apartmental residence.

… that guy who affects a terrible English accent while at work, forcing it not only upon your coworkers but also on the clientele.

… that guy who gives me crap about actually enjoying Man of Steel.

… that guy who leaves those annoying postcards advertising the latest and greatest new-age religious thing under people’s windshield wipers; or on any part of their vehicle, for that matter.

… Ted Mosby.

Alright! I think that’s a good list for now. Don’t think this is a finite listing – oh, no! This is just a healthy smattering of those irritating traits, characteristics, and just plain people who irritate the crap out of me; some on a daily basis, while others on a purely, sadistic nostalgic front. In time, just you wait, there just might be a “Part II” of this list. Until then, however…

#tableflipped

Ep.89 – The Call-in Special/Cheaters Never Prosper: What is Cheating Anyway?

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http://traffic.libsyn.com/matinghabitsofthemoderngeek/Ep89_MHMG.mp3

Get comfortable because this is a long one. Andrew Bartlett and Sean Ryan help me navigate all the technical difficulties of our first-ever call-in show!

We catch up on the Haps, answer an email from one of our favorite listeners, and discuss matters of deception – cheating!

I talk for a very long time with Kenny Rotter of Dumbbells and Dragons about his views on the subject of cheating, and we all get to chat with Official PodPal Robbie Polanco, and the mastermind behind the Twitter handle @KelleyFactCheck or “Lies Mating Habits Told me.” Sean Ryan claims to have had a call from Sean Lynch of Nerd Church fame, but Andrew and I didn’t hear it… so I don’t think it actually happened 😉

Tables get flipped over over-dramatic fan reactions (MILD SPOILERS FOR GAME OF THRONES AND ARROW), folks who don’t know who they’re talking to, and stolen Slim Jims.

Thanks to everyone who called in and talked with us!

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Ep.88 – #doghouse: Staying Out of Trouble on Social Media.

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http://traffic.libsyn.com/matinghabitsofthemoderngeek/Ep88_MHMG.mp3

Em is back on American soil and helps me talk through some dos and don’ts when it comes to dating and exposing your social media presence. The internet is forever, and what you post may have an effect on how you’re perceived publicly.

We also talk about Em’s recent trip to Scotland, books, Game of Thrones, and Doctor Strange.

We pick our top three survival buddies from popular media, and flip tables over voicemails and TSA. Enjoy!

relationshipkillers

Ep.87 – Return to the Friendzone: Civil PodWar!

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http://traffic.libsyn.com/matinghabitsofthemoderngeek/Ep87_MHMG.mp3

Sean Ryan returns to have a new discussion about the “Friendzone” which I have recently come to believe doesn’t actually exist. He and I went in thinking we were going to have a podwar about it, but end up concurring in the end.

We spoil the hell out of the season finale of The Walking Dead, squee over the Rogue One trailer, and Sean’s on every podcast and has got a crib up in ‘da crib!

We play a fun game of One, True, Three that, for reasons, may be my favorite so far. Tables get flipped over cancelled circuses and ad-blocker blockers!

CyanideHappinessFriendZone

Ep.86 – Fix it or 86 it: When to try and when to say goodbye.

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http://traffic.libsyn.com/matinghabitsofthemoderngeek/Ep86_MHMG.mp3

Welcome back to the podcast! Andrew Bartlett stops by to help me decide whether to “Fix it or 86 it” with all of my hypothetical relationship problems. We discuss what we would do in certain scenarios, and whether or not we would try and repair a relationship, or just end it altogether.

Andrew “Rick Rolls” me for April Fools Day and takes what he’s learned in My Fair Andrew to the streets! I say goodbye to Trigger Warning: Geeks!, finish every piece of Dragon Age: Inquisition DLC, and do a guest spot on Dumbbells & Dragons!

We play a new game called Magic Movie Box, and flip tables over HB2, and what it means for the LGBTQ community in North Carolina.

Be sure to follow this guy on Twitter – who says this show doesn’t create masterpieces?

Mahthrij Kanoo!

Table-Flip Tuesday: Questionable Flip

such rage, much fury

such rage, much fury

Okay, this is going to be a short one. You’re not going to have to dedicate a month or two to read this. The fact of the matter is: it’s 8:26pm on the Tuesday for which this “Table-Flip Tuesday” was meant to be posted, and seeing as we’ve only a few hours left of Tuesday and I would like to abide by my commitment to helping our dear, lovely, hilarious, intelligent, [insert three more positive and true adjectives here] Kelley, this is what you’re getting – “Table-Flip Tuesday LITE”.

Truthfully, I wanted to have a semi-decent topic for this week’s flip; I was also a little unsure as to how a table-flip about someone flapping tabbles on your dedicated timeline would play out. (Don’t think I’ve ruled it out, however – it’s still up on the special Google Doc I’ve created for this very series of rants.)

This week’s flip was inspired by a particular pet peeve I’ve had since I started working in the field of customer service, and as I was reaching for a relatively short topic, it was as though a choir of angels appeared and proceeded to blast their air-horns in my direction. Once the ringing in my metaphorical ears (think along the lines of “third eye”, only these are more to be imagined as being located possibly at the back of the neck or directly under the chin; it depends on which trait was more dominant between your parents…)

Sorry, I got a little distracted by my parenthetical talk, there. I did say I was going to keep this one short, didn’t I? Promises, promises…

Anyway, once the ringing in my aforementioned and obnoxiously-described metaphorical ears had stopped altogether, I had the target of this week’s table flip: “Can I ask you a question?”

I apologize if you cringed, just now. Don’t worry: I did, too – as I was typing it out! Not only is that particular phrase grammatically incorrect, it’s also a statement that fulfills itself as soon as it’s done. Even if you switch the “can” to “may”, in true grammar-perfect fashion, you’re still dealing with a self-fulfilling statement.

If you were to ask a person, “Can I ask you a question?”, the answer should be obvious: yes, you moronic simpleton!, you truly do possess the ability to ask a question. Even if you, being the person having been asked the question, were to want to say “no”, you’re now the fool; as they have asked you a question, with you having answered it. The transaction is complete, and a little piece of your soul has been lost to this parasite of a statement.

The same sense works were you to change the “can” to “may”. It’s a little more severe, though, as this time the question is more of a request for permission. Answer “yes” or “no” to this question, and the asker has won control. They may now be able to steer the conversation to their whim, be able to make you look like the fool, and most likely be able to control the innermost thoughts of your cat.

What do I suggest? Well, for starters, if you’re someone who has the gall to ask a variation of this inquiry: fuckin’ knock it off! Either that, or just walk out into oncoming traffic – whichever is easiest for you, really.

As for those who find themselves in the unfortunate position of being obligated to answer such a ridiculous query, I suggest melting into the nearest hedge, a la that classic Homer Simpson GIF. And if there aren’t any convenient hedge into which to melt? Well, then… I suggest shoving the perpetrator into oncoming traffic. Be sure to stretch, first; you have to be flexible, in case they show any sign of resistance. If they do resist, just direct them to this blog, telling them that it’s okay for them to walk out into oncoming traffic – it’s a civic duty. (Note: if they snorted at “duty”, make sure you especially shove them into the path of an oncoming bus.)

Point is: stop asking this stupid question, and just ask the question you wanted to ask. Yes, you are capable of asking questions – so just ask the damned question, already! And let me get back to counting the ceiling tiles at work, guy who asked about asking about some bath towels!

#tableflipped

Tabble Flap – by Sean Ryan

seantableflap

In the most recent episode of Mating Habits, I was called out for having said that any woman who is hyper-sexual—or even has a healthy sexuality—must have gotten it from “daddy issues”. I have never said such a thing. Or at least, I’ve never generalized it that way. If you think I have, clips or it didn’t happen. It’ll give you the chance to revisit our awesome episode archive.

Oh sure, I’ve made jokes and glib comments about girls with “daddy issues” (especially “the fun kind”) and people who act out from having their “antennas bent”. But my understanding of people’s sexuality isn’t as simple as a direct line from A to B.

Kelley and Paris are absolutely right. Some women just really enjoy sex. Some women just don’t. Both are cool and shouldn’t be stigmatized. Kelley is also right in that the phrase “daddy issues” is often used as a cop out or hasty judgment of a woman’s character. Kelley and Paris mentioned in the podcast that their sexual appetites aren’t the result of any kind of childhood trauma, and I believe them. At the same time, I can’t deny that women with “daddy issues” do also exist. They’re just not who Kelley and the gang are discussing in that episode.

Here’s the thing: “Daddy issues” are real. The phrase is often horribly misused, but there is truth to it.

“Daddy issues” spring from a variety of things; not limited to molestation. Physical abuse, neglect, abandonment, personality clash, alcoholism… All it takes is a shitty role model to affect our behavior as adults. Or as I tend to put it, that’s how some people get their “antennae bent”.

That trauma very commonly manifests into how we handle sex and personal relationships. It’s a strange but real phenomenon where we re-enact our trauma. Typically as a way to manage our feelings or as an unconscious attempt to grasp control over the demons that haunt us.

Some women with “daddy issues” come to recoil from sex. I’ve dated a couple of those. Some women with “daddy issues” work them out through sex. I’ve dated many of those…which may also say a lot about me. Most of the latter ended with the girl sabotaging the relationship by stirring up chaos and drama.

That’s all not to say that anyone who acts out sexually is “damaged goods”. Many hyper-sexual women are happy and able to maintain healthy relationships. I’ve also dated a couple women who have just had healthy sexuality, which I consider a blessing.

My advice is to give women the benefit of the doubt. Just enjoy the ride (*wink wink*). At the same time, be aware of red flags that suggest that this person may be wrestling with some baggage that could spill into your relationship with them,. It’s all fun until someone gets hurt.

RECOMMENDED READING:

Sex After Trauma (Pt. II): The Psychology Behind My Promiscuity

What Motivates Sexual Promiscuity?

Dr. NerdLove: It’s OK To Want Sex

Ep.85 – Highly Sexual Women: The Legend, The Facts, The Stigma.

MHMG85


http://traffic.libsyn.com/matinghabitsofthemoderngeek/Ep85_MHMG.mp3
Paris and The Business, LLC are back to help me talk about how society treats women who are comfortable with their sexuality, how suggesting that women who have sex “as if they’re men” is inherently sexist, and how just because a woman has sex freely with multiple people doesn’t mean she wants to have sex with you – and that’s okay.

Paris conquers the climate world by volunteering at museums and giving scientific talks on mountain tops; The Business listens to every podcast imaginable; and I discuss everything from 10 Cloverfield Lane (Guaranteed: SPOILER FREE!), to my love of British panel shows and Richard Herring.

We each get to choose a superpower for just one day and tables are flipped over people who are rude to waitstaff, porn addictions, and Millennials telling me to “get informed” at their own peril.

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Ep.84 – Love Workout Regimen: Interview with Lindze and Brad Merritt!

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Episode 84 is chock full of excitement as Sean Ryan and I have the pleasure of interviewing Lindze and Brad Merritt, of Cosplay and Cartoon Network** fame – respectively!!

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http://traffic.libsyn.com/matinghabitsofthemoderngeek/Ep84_MHMG.mp3

They join us to help discuss ways to keep good geeky relationships strong so that can last; something everyone except me seems to excel at 🙂

Sean suggests that you look for reasons to high-five each other, finishes Assassin’s Creed Syndicate, oh, and announces that HE’S GOING TO BE A FATHER!

I talk about The VVitch, my feels about 10 Cloverfield Lane, and I officially announce Table-Flip Tuesdays with Andrew “M3JCNV” Bartlett, a bi-weekly addition to the blog.

Sean and I play a magical ame of “Would You Rather,” where we disagree… and I can’t remember that my favorite Dane is from Denmark – sorry Mads.

Tables get flipped over “Walking Billboards” and whether or not The Americas are actually two continents. By Sean’s estimation, California is it’s own continent, so you’re not going to want to miss this!

**Director, Cartoon Network Game Design – Brad Merritt is an employee of Turner Broadcasting System, Inc. Views expressed are my own and do not necessarily reflect views of his employer.

LINKS!
Lindze a la mode
Cartoon Network
Lindze’s Facebook Page

Mating Habits of the Modern Geek: Love and Dating within Your own Species – your comedy source for relationship advice for geeks and nerds.

Table-Flip Tuesday: Table-Flips

such rage, much fury

such rage, much fury

Table-Flip Tuesday: Table-Flips
written by andrew j. bartlett

The form of art that is table-flipping is an artform.

Wait, that was a bit redundant, wasn’t it? Do you see what I mean: even when introducing the inaugural post to start off “Table-Flip Tuesdays”, it’s a bit of a shake and doesn’t go off half as well as you had considered it could possibly have the potential in which to do so.

(Okay, that went all kinds of sideways, but whatever – I’m not editing that out, so you’ll just have to deal with that awkward opening. #thatswhatshesaid)

In case you needed a quick history lesson: I met our dear “Mating Habits” host, Kelley Hightower, toward the end of 2014, when she came to record for a crossover episode of a podcast for which I was one-half of the hosting talent. In semi-preparation for the crossover, we of the non-“Mating Habits” side were individually asked to bring a topic currently poking our ire, for a subject lovingly referred to on Kelley’s show as “Table-Flipping”.

This may seem like an easy feat for which to prepare, what with working a life in retail and interacting day-in and day-out with a society that inspires click-baity articles and viral YouTube videos that constantly redefine “Schadenfreude”…

If you’re like me, however, and even in the tiniest fraction of a sense of that unfortunate grouping, you’re the type of person who has a seemingly-infinite number of things you want and need; however, should anyone inquire as to any of the items on that ever-growing list, that’s when the list goes into hiding and plays off like it doesn’t exist. Thus is how it played out when asked to have something ready for the “table-flip” section of the crossover recording.

So what did I do? Well, if you haven’t yet had an opportunity to listen to this very [interesting] recording, to put it plainly: I lamed out. I pretty much gave an excuse of “Mrrrh, I don’t like to hold grudges (’cause they’re bad for your back) and blah blah get over things quick bleh bloo blee so I don’t have anything at the moment” and other such nonsense to fill in the “blahs” and “blees”. This was pretty much the direction taken, as I progressively made my way into the rotation of “Mating Habits” co-hosts.

And I gotta tell you: IT WAS IRRITATING AS FUCK!

Listening to the other episodes happening around the ones on which I happened to co-host, gems were brought to the as-yet-flipped table: coworkers swiping Lean Cuisines, small business owners shame-posting friend-clients, perfectly good table sets being brazenly dismissed when offered in a very positive and helpful manner, etc, etc, and the list goes on. I listened to these amusing and intriguing stories and rants, metaphorically knocking on my brain’s door and pointing emphatically to what would represent what was being heard, shouting: “Why can’t you bring something interesting like that?!”

Fortunately, though, the more I’ve grown used to recording for “Mating Habits”, the more my brain has been readily prepared to take in an item of irritation and attach a label on it, which probably reads “Table-Flip Topic (do not open ’til Groundhog Day)”.

However! Remember that time, a few paragraphs ago, when I made the unfair comparison of you to me, lumping us in the same category and going on about mental lists and said lists disappearing when made the subject of conversation? Okay, good. Now, imagine we’re back in that unfair setting, but this time we’re creative people who are in dire need of coming up with something creative, just to get those creative juices flowing – what would you say, based on average, generalized standards of this sort of thing, tends to happen?

That’s right: the good ideas only seem to come to you when you’re in a situation where you cannot immediately do something about that idea. For me, I normally tend to come up with interesting story ideas while I’m driving or at work, where I’m not immediately in front of a computer in order to, at the very least, write down key words to help me remember the idea for later. The same is the case for these damn “table-flips”!

What’s a brother gotta do, just so he can have a slight irritation, have it be entertaining enough and at the right frame of time, and be able to let the irritation get back on its merry way before it cause irrevocable damage? Well, as it turns out, all said “brother” has to do is start up a Google Doc entitled “Table-Flip Topics” and update it with items that might qualify for quality talking points; and when the list gets to the length in which said “brother” finds himself saying, to himself, “Geezus! Lighten up, you constantly irritated bastard!”, he approaches our lovely Kelley and offers up an idea to make table-flipping a more recurring blog-type thing. (You know… for more content and material on the blog page. That sounds legitimate as well, right?)

So here you go, my fellow geeks! With any luck, these table-flips will get better, as I like to think they have on the podcast (from my end, at least – keep up the great work, to the rest of you “Mating Habits” hosts).

Until then, this has been Andrew for this round of “Table-Flip Tuesday”, flipping a table over table-flips!

#tableflipped